Baby Steps

          Here it is, my third post. But before I begin, I would like to preface that though the things I am going to talk about have affected me deeply, I still love the people involved and I will not tolerate any gossip about the issues I am going to discuss. Happy Reading :)
         
        

           Earlier this year I found out my parents were getting a divorce after 22 years of marriage. (As I've
 stated before, honesty is a big part of my blog. I don't want to pretend or cover up how I've felt in the past, present, or how I will feel in the future. So, having said that, I'm going to be honest with how this event -and others- have affected my life.)  Divorce is never an easy thing for anyone to go through. But there are times when it's evident that it's going to happen. Or even times when people think that it's a good thing because they knew that both parties hadn't been truly happy for a long time. And even still, there are those times when it comes as a complete and utter shock to absolutely everyone. That's how it was for my family.           

          My parents have long been my strongest supporters in life. They laid the foundation for my life that lead me to Christ; they've been my soundboard for advice, my listening ear. They've been there for me when no one else was, and truly cared and loved me. I know that even during all this crap they still love me and care for me. And I appreciate that.  But let me just say that this divorce has been the single most devastating event in my life to date.            

          Now, I'm sure there are some of you out there saying, "Hold up!". Its probably the same group that's thinking I should toughen up; I mean come on, in this day and age divorce is a common thing- it happens all the time. And I agree with those thoughts. In fact I've thought those same thoughts every single day for the last several months. Every single day telling myself that I should toughen up and not take this so personally.  Even people I know go through this and come out relatively unscathed- why should I be any different? I understand kids being affected by this, but I'm an adult, surely I can cope with this much better than a child. All these thoughts have been ransacking my brain. Constantly, as if they are music on repeat, they attack my thoughts over and over and over with no reprieve. My head has not been a fun place to be in lately. I have so many unanswered questions and they too join the circle of unrelenting chaos in my head. I have so much pain and anguish and I have days where I feel as if my heart just can't take it anymore. Those are the days where I literally have to remind myself over and over, every millisecond, every minute, every hour, that this life I have is worth fighting for. I have to remind myself to fight for it.
            
             Its been an unbelievably long process coming to that very conclusion. And its not over; this is a constant journey for me.  But I am realizing, albeit slowly, that life is a gift. It's a precious, sacred gift that is not guaranteed tomorrow. So many people out there have realized what happens when you lose something you have long taken for granted. And now, so have I. In spite of this horrible gut wrenching, heart clenching pain I feel, I go on. Baby steps. Taking it one day at a time.               

             It has been very, very easy for me to entertain the thought of no longer being on this earth. I can honestly say that the ONLY reason I am indeed still here is because of Christ. If I'd had things my way, I most certainly would be in a casket, 6 feet under. But I am not 6 feet under. I am very much alive and kicking. And though every day there is still a small part of me that likes to remind myself that I could 'escape' this pain and hurt, that I could go the 'easy way', I press on. I struggle through it. I fight. Most days I don't even know how I do it. It's on those days that I'm reminded that my previous thoughts were correct. I can't do this. I'm weak, I'm a mess. But God has given me grace and mercy. He has lifted me up on his wings. He has given me strength that without him I did not have. He has given me the courage to face each new day with joy and excitement. Of course, the choice is still mine. I have to decide to accept his help and choose to open my heart up to his love and grace and mercy. And each new day I am taking baby steps and slowly opening my heart back up. I have been so afraid to trust. So afraid to really love and have hope. These past few days especially, God has been opening my eyes and softening my heart to the true depths of his love for me.                  

             This might sound cliche, like God is some magical, mystical being that all I have to do is pray to and he grants my every wish- like a genie. I mean it in no such way.  This road has been hard. I mean bone-jarring, soul-crushing hard. I have done things and thought things I never thought I would. I have been angrier than I previously thought possible. And hurt worse than I ever thought possible. Yet God has truly been here for me all along. And to be honest, I had quite a few weeks where I didn't want him. I didn't want his help or his love or his mercy. I was done. Completely done. Everything I stood for no longer mattered to me, I just wanted out.......... And yet, here I am. How can I not attribute that to God? Absolutely every fiber of my being wanted to be gone. I had no hope left. But here I am. By the grace of God here I am. Even when I was done with him, he wasn't done with me. I am utterly thankful and humbled by God.                  

          So for now, I close with this song that I love and I think fits perfectly with why I have started this blog.  I encourage you all to listen and be filled with hope. Yes, this world is hard. It is sucky and depressing and exhausting. But we can have hope and live victoriously because we are over-comers through Christ.                                                                                     

               'All authority, Every victory is Yours.               

 Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame
We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony, everyone overcome' 

~Devin