Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Baby Steps

          Here it is, my third post. But before I begin, I would like to preface that though the things I am going to talk about have affected me deeply, I still love the people involved and I will not tolerate any gossip about the issues I am going to discuss. Happy Reading :)

           Earlier this year I found out my parents were getting a divorce after 22 years of marriage. (As I've
 stated before, honesty is a big part of my blog. I don't want to pretend or cover up how I've felt in the past, present, or how I will feel in the future. So, having said that, I'm going to be honest with how this event -and others- have affected my life.)  Divorce is never an easy thing for anyone to go through. But there are times when it's evident that it's going to happen. Or even times when people think that it's a good thing because they knew that both parties hadn't been truly happy for a long time. And even still, there are those times when it comes as a complete and utter shock to absolutely everyone. That's how it was for my family.           

          My parents have long been my strongest supporters in life. They laid the foundation for my life that lead me to Christ; they've been my soundboard for advice, my listening ear. They've been there for me when no one else was, and truly cared and loved me. I know that even during all this crap they still love me and care for me. And I appreciate that.  But let me just say that this divorce has been the single most devastating event in my life to date.            

          Now, I'm sure there are some of you out there saying, "Hold up!". Its probably the same group that's thinking I should toughen up; I mean come on, in this day and age divorce is a common thing- it happens all the time. And I agree with those thoughts. In fact I've thought those same thoughts every single day for the last several months. Every single day telling myself that I should toughen up and not take this so personally.  Even people I know go through this and come out relatively unscathed- why should I be any different? I understand kids being affected by this, but I'm an adult, surely I can cope with this much better than a child. All these thoughts have been ransacking my brain. Constantly, as if they are music on repeat, they attack my thoughts over and over and over with no reprieve. My head has not been a fun place to be in lately. I have so many unanswered questions and they too join the circle of unrelenting chaos in my head. I have so much pain and anguish and I have days where I feel as if my heart just can't take it anymore. Those are the days where I literally have to remind myself over and over, every millisecond, every minute, every hour, that this life I have is worth fighting for. I have to remind myself to fight for it.
             Its been an unbelievably long process coming to that very conclusion. And its not over; this is a constant journey for me.  But I am realizing, albeit slowly, that life is a gift. It's a precious, sacred gift that is not guaranteed tomorrow. So many people out there have realized what happens when you lose something you have long taken for granted. And now, so have I. In spite of this horrible gut wrenching, heart clenching pain I feel, I go on. Baby steps. Taking it one day at a time.               

             It has been very, very easy for me to entertain the thought of no longer being on this earth. I can honestly say that the ONLY reason I am indeed still here is because of Christ. If I'd had things my way, I most certainly would be in a casket, 6 feet under. But I am not 6 feet under. I am very much alive and kicking. And though every day there is still a small part of me that likes to remind myself that I could 'escape' this pain and hurt, that I could go the 'easy way', I press on. I struggle through it. I fight. Most days I don't even know how I do it. It's on those days that I'm reminded that my previous thoughts were correct. I can't do this. I'm weak, I'm a mess. But God has given me grace and mercy. He has lifted me up on his wings. He has given me strength that without him I did not have. He has given me the courage to face each new day with joy and excitement. Of course, the choice is still mine. I have to decide to accept his help and choose to open my heart up to his love and grace and mercy. And each new day I am taking baby steps and slowly opening my heart back up. I have been so afraid to trust. So afraid to really love and have hope. These past few days especially, God has been opening my eyes and softening my heart to the true depths of his love for me.                  

             This might sound cliche, like God is some magical, mystical being that all I have to do is pray to and he grants my every wish- like a genie. I mean it in no such way.  This road has been hard. I mean bone-jarring, soul-crushing hard. I have done things and thought things I never thought I would. I have been angrier than I previously thought possible. And hurt worse than I ever thought possible. Yet God has truly been here for me all along. And to be honest, I had quite a few weeks where I didn't want him. I didn't want his help or his love or his mercy. I was done. Completely done. Everything I stood for no longer mattered to me, I just wanted out.......... And yet, here I am. How can I not attribute that to God? Absolutely every fiber of my being wanted to be gone. I had no hope left. But here I am. By the grace of God here I am. Even when I was done with him, he wasn't done with me. I am utterly thankful and humbled by God.                  

          So for now, I close with this song that I love and I think fits perfectly with why I have started this blog.  I encourage you all to listen and be filled with hope. Yes, this world is hard. It is sucky and depressing and exhausting. But we can have hope and live victoriously because we are over-comers through Christ.                                                                                     
               'All authority, Every victory is Yours.               
 Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame

We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony, everyone overcome


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Heart- Broken

          I am heart-broken. I try so hard to be brave. But inside I am fragile. I am shattered. My heart is like a mirror, obliterated into a thousand tiny pieces. I don't know what to do with them. I can't possibly put them all back together and to do so would mean chancing the mirror breaking again. so what have I done? I've put them in a bag and hidden them far away from the rest of me. I thought if I did that I'd be safer- fewer broken hearts, fewer messes to clean up. This bag has been hidden for a few years now. The safety I'd mistakenly thought I'd had from my broken heart was all a fancy lie I conjured up to help me keep my calm. In reality, this has done nothing to prevent future broken hearts. My heart still gets broken, and I wonder, how can this be happening? I hid my heart. I locked it up inside iron-clad walls. Only happiness can find its way in, but not pain, or sorrow, or anguish-none of the messy emotions. Those are supposed to be kept out. Free from the frailty of my heart. The walls didn't work.
           I am sitting on my bed weeping. Weeping for the family and friends of this nation's brave men and women who have so valiantly fought for our very freedom and paid the ultimate price with their lives. I am weeping for them because even in death they have no peace. People come and picket their funerals saying the most horrendous things. My heart is breaking just imagining the pain these families are going through- I can't imagine how much more broken my heart would actually be if it were me in these circumstances. 
           I am weeping for the children all over this world who have never truly and deeply known a mother or father's love. They are just pushed aside like garbage and I want nothing more than to scoop them all up in my arms and love them from here to eternity. The injustice of this world overwhelms me.
           I am weeping for the broken and hurt. The dazed and confused. Men, women, children. I am weeping for them all. And in the midst of it all I feel so helpless. I want to do something and do it now! I want to save someone from pain. I want to give a child love. I want to picket back at these Westboro Baptist Church goers and have my sign say God loves you! Thank you for protecting this nation's freedom! Thank you for your bravery! I support you! Hate filled messages are not the answer to any problems. They just cause more problems. I want to wrap this whole world in bubble-wrap filled with love. That is my heart's biggest desire. I want to do something big to stop all this hate. But I'm not sure what that is. What is something feasible for me to do but yet its also big? I'm gonna have to think about that.
         A couple days ago I read about a college who, when they heard that the WBC was coming to picket a nearby furneral of a soldier, they formed a wall of people around the cemetery to protect the family and friends at the service. This is what I want to do. I want to find ways where I can make an impact with my community and those around me. Big or small. There are things all around me I can do. I can find a funeral or church where the WBC is protesting and I can form a mini wall. Or I can volunteer somewhere and share God's love there, or I can befriend someone who has no friends. The list is endless. And for me, it starts today. I am challenging myself to life with love. I want to be like a sponge- soaking up love and then wringing it out all over the place. This is my own challenge for myself, but I encourage you to make it yours as well. It's amazing what we can do when we all come together in unity.
         So as I end this blog, I do so knowing that I can walk away with my spirits lifted just a little bit. Yes my heart still very much hurts for all the brokenness and pain in this world. And yes, my heart is still shattered in a million pieces. But right now I am choosing to rejoice because I have hope! I feel like I'm at the start of something that has massive potential. Something that could reach millions of miles away. God's love has that power. 
         I want to have everything I say and do be a reflection of Christ. And what better way to start then to love like He loves. Completely and passionately. As it says in 1 Corinthians 13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
                                'People all over the world
                                           Join hands
                               Start a love train, love train'

I hope you join me in starting a love train all over the world :)                      

#Love like Jesus


Friday, July 13, 2012

Who Am I?

          So, I'm sitting here on the couch wondering what to write for my very first post, and all I can think about is how can I possibly get everything I'm thinking and feeling into this blog? Its almost overwhelming. There is so much I would like to talk about and I'm not quite sure where to start. This journey that I'm on is newly begun. I've felt pretty confident in who I am as a person for the past few years of my life, but lately that has very much been shaken to the core. And now I find myself questioning that very foundation that has been my rock for so long. Who am I, who is God and why I'm still here? Now, those might seem like vague questions, but I assure you, for me they're so much deeper than that. 
           I'm sure I'm not the only young adult to have questions or feel lost in the chaos of this world, nor do I expect to be the last. But I feel that if we can't talk about it then we are only allowing future generations to feel the same way we do. So, I'm gonna talk about it. Talk about my fears, my failures, my anger, my deep, dark pain, my klutziness, my joy, my hope, and my faith. It might get depressing, it might get emotional, it might even get boring. I don't know, but I believe that I'm not the only one who feels these things. I have to believe that, otherwise I think its safe to say I would go insane. 
          Thank you for being brave and joining me on this journey. If nothing else, I'm sure you'll get some laughs along the way :) 

~ Devin